One year…I can’t believe it’s been a whole year.

One year ago today we said hello and goodbye to the sweetest boy. Our lives were forever changed that day. One year later, I sit here staring at another miracle and can’t believe that I am lucky enough to be a momma to an angel as well as my earthly little man. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Dougie and wish that I could go back and change things. However, I am learning to be grateful for what the last year has brought…Doug and I have grown so much stronger bc of Dougie, the support from friends and family have been amazing and of course we have this new sweet baby boy who reminds me daily how special it is to be a mom.

In the early days of my grief I would listen to music to help me. I would listen to one song called “Beauty from Pain” by Superchick. I would listen to this song and wonder when I would ever see beauty again. I eventually started to be hopeful that I would someday. One year later, I am finally seeing some beauty. I beautiful baby boy that is Dougie’s little brother. Declan is not only our rainbow baby but he has given us the chance to hope again. We will never forget Dougie and we will raise Declan to know his older brother. After all, Dougie is as big of a part of our story as Declan is and we will not forget that.

Dougie, we love you, Happy first Birthday in Heaven sweet baby boy!

Dougie is all around us. We think about him everyday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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OUR RAINBOW ARRIVED!

I HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING THIS BLOG RECENTLY BUT WE HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH OUR BABY BOY WHO ARRIVED 10/24/2014. HE IS SO SPECIAL! I WILL BE WRITING ABOUT HIS BIRTH SOON BUT UNTIL THEN HERE’S A GLIMPSE AT OUR RAINBOW BIRTH BY THE AMAZING KELLY SMITH WITH CINCINNATI BIRTH PHOTOGRAPHY.

FELLOW BLOGGERS MEET DECLAN FELIX…OUR PRECIOUS RAINBOW BABY BOY.

 

 

10 months and a few pennies from Heaven

Dougie would be 10 months old today. I found myself daydreaming the other day about what I would be doing if he would have lived. Not sure what that would have looked like and I don’t let myself think about that too regularly. It often makes me too sad. But there are some days when I allow myself to. Days when I go visit Dougie’s grave and all I can think about is what could have been. I used to wonder if that will go away with time but I don’t think that it will. Dougie will always be on our minds and in our hearts…no matter what.

I sit here, almost 9 months pregnant with Dougie’s sweet babybrother, writing, thinking about Dougie while feeling this little boy kick and move about. This baby boy is truly a miracle and we are getting so anxious as to what God has in store for us with this journey. As Doug and I have learned, it’s not always our ideal plan but we are trying to trust that this time it will be different. We will bring this baby boy home happy and healthy.
I have been confident lately that Dougie has been visiting and watching over us as we navigate this pregnancy as well as moving into our new home. I have a friend who’s mother passed away a few years ago and ever since she passed away, she visits in the form of pennies. I know, it sounds crazy but it’s totally true. Well I am pretty confident that Dougie took a lesson from Momma Pesce on this one because for the last month, I have found pennies EVERYWHERE. And I’m not talking just on the street randomly. For 4 days straight, I found pennies strategically placed throughout our new home. And get this…one of them was placed on the windowsill of what will soon be this baby boy’s nursery. *chills* This is no joke…for all you skeptics…they really do visit us from the other side! You just have to figure out how they are visiting. I wonder if this is how Dougie will continue to visit?

9 months ago…

9 months ago we were changed forever.

Touched by the sweetest little boy who didn’t get to take a breath.

Instead he was greeted in heaven with open arms.

9 months later we are still grieving parents. Grieving but hopeful for what’s to come. We are confident he is around…all around us. We know he hears us and watches over us.

Our own little guardian angel…

 

We love you little Dougie!!

Leaning in at 25 weeks

Wrote about our first 25 weeks over on Pregnancy after Loss Support page.

Go check it out!

 

8 month angelversary

8 month angelversary

Yesterday we returned home from spending a week with our family at the beach on Lake Michigan. We had a great time, we were able to relax, lay on the beach, play a few games, spend time with everyone and play with our nieces and nephew which was a blast. However, when we returned home, the reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Little Dougie was supposed to be with us on that trip. There was supposed to be one more little grandkid pestering Grandpa for lap time, one more baby crawling around the house amidst the other kids play time, one more baby crawling through the sand darting for the water. We were supposed to have OUR little baby with us to enjoy his first of many family vacations.

This time last year when planning this vacation, emails shot back and forth about locations, houses, bedrooms etc and everything in between. In one email, my sister-in-law wrote happily that she couldn’t wait for family vacation next year with a new little one in the mix. The reality that he is not here is a sobering one.

We went to visit Dougie on our way back into town. I sat at his grave and cried. I told him we missed him and we all wished he was here.

I was asked the other day if I ever wake up and think “Did this really happen to us, did we really lose our baby?” The response was immediate…

“Everyday”

 

7 months

Dear sweet baby boy,

It’s been 7 months now since we held you. We miss you terribly but things are getting better. I don’t visit you as often. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t feel the need to. I talk to you every day…can you hear me? Your dad and I still visit you weekly. Our visits are much lighter lately, sometimes we can even make it out of the cemetery without shedding a tear. We noticed that you gained a beautiful angel friend last month placed right next to you. Were you there to greet them and show them around? We sure hope so.

Your dad and I talk to you all the time. We imagine you talking to us but we haven’t had any signs in a while. Can you visit soon? We added a blue footprint pinwheel to your grave. Now you have 2 pinwheels. Is that cliché? But even if it is…we love them! We went to visit you a couple weeks ago on a very windy day. All the pinwheels in the cemetery were blowing about. As soon as we pulled up to your grave, parked and got out of the car, both of your pinwheels stood still. I know that was you! Your dad and I looked at each other and laughed. Without saying a word, we both knew that right in that moment you were there. That’s been one of the only times I’ve actually felt you. I want that again soon, so can you please work on this? 🙂

Your dad and I love you so much, we miss you more than you can imagine and would give anything to know you today. But for now, we will trust that you are the lucky one waiting for us. We hope you are listening to all the fun stuff we tell you and more importantly know how much we love you and wish that you were here.

We love you infinity times baby boy,

❤ your mom and dad.

Our new journey…

After every storm there is a rainbow, illuminating the clouds and bringing the color back into what was previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that babies born after a loss are often referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” Doug and I are humbled to share that we are pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. There are many days when we still feel like we are in the midst of the storm but are hopeful for what’s to come. We are dreaming of our precious rainbow baby who will hopefully make his/her appearance in the middle of October. Until then, please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you think could help, while we walk this scary path of pregnancy after loss.

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Well, our journey to find the new normal after little Dougie has led us down a completely different path than we ever expected a few months ago. As Doug and I sit here…6 months out from Dougie’s birth/death, we find ourselves 4 months pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. It was definitely a shock when we found ourselves pregnant just 3 short months after we had Dougie. It’s a been a scary 4 months thus far and I anticipate that the anxiety will get even worse the further along we get but we are trying to embrace this pregnancy as best as we can.

We are taking things one day at a time and trying not to get too far ahead of ourselves. This path is unknown…much like the grief path was unknown when we were thrown into it 6 months ago. Nervousness, worry, anxiety, sheer terror and fear are normal parts of our day now. But there are also moments of hopefulness, like the many times we’ve heard that little heart going pitter patter inside my belly and like the first time that we got to see this little blueberry inside of me. The blissfulness of Dougie’s pregnancy is gone with this new baby. Every ache, every twinge, and every cramp my heart drops. Every appointment, we prepare ourselves for the worst. We aren’t actually thinking of a live baby yet…just trying to make it through each day and keeping a positive outlook! Our new doctor summed it up perfectly…we are allowed to be cautiously optimistic.

So with that said…we really are excited but we are also terrified at the same time. So please be gentle with this. This is a scary path we are on and need all the support we can get.

6 month Angelversary

What a perfect gift to receive on Dougie’s 6 month Angelversary. A friend gave this to me with his name engraved on one of the chimes. Dougie’s nursery was a travel theme and the very first thing I bought for him was a big hot air balloon to hang from the ceiling.

This is how his nursery still sits today!

We miss you Dougie!!

 

 

I still mother my son.

The harsh reality has really hit me this week. My son truly is dead. He’s not coming back. I will never know his smile, his personality, hear his sweet giggles, or listen to him tell me he loves me. I will not get to “mother” my son in the same sense that most of you will. But I will still mother my son.

I go to his grave, sit beside him and brush off the leaves. I am mothering my son.

I pray to him at night, tell him stories and talk to him. I am mothering my son.

I hang his picture proudly in our living room. I am mothering my son.

I walk in his memory, raise money for research in hopes that no other family has to endure the loss we have. I am mothering my son.

I will not let people forget about our sweet boy, I say his name often and talk about our experience. I am not afraid of what people might think or say behind my back. It might be weird to some people, some people might be thinking “Get over it already” and most people just don’t understand. I will never “get over it”. I will never forget him. He will always be our firstborn son. And I will continue to be his mother for the rest of my life.

 

Even though my son is not here on this earth…

I am still a mother.