“Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you.” ~ Jeremiah 1:5
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Vicki Harrison
I saw this quote and it immediately gave me the chills. This describes how I feel so accurately.
Still standing and still breathing but not the same person as before.
Born to fly – An Infant’s Journey to God by Cindy Claussen
Such Beautiful writing by Cindy Claussen after she gave birth to her stillborn son in 1983.
I just changed the name to relate to DJ. So touching.
A miracle has happened. A life has begun.
“Are you there, God?”
“Yes, I am here, DJ,” the Lord whispered.
“Where am I?”
“You are in the womb of your mother,” God smiled.
“Oh. What is that sound?” DJ asked.
“It is the voice of your mother, DJ. She is singing to you.”
“Yes. She loves you very much,” God said.
“I feel warmth on my back,” DJ whispered.
“Yes, she is rubbing her stomach, caressing you the best she can right now. She is speaking to me, DJ. She is asking me to care of you.”
“I will kick her back, so she knows I love her, too,” DJ said excitedly.
“Now what is she saying, God?”
“Your mother is laughing, DJ.”
“She is happy, isn’t she God?”
“Yes, DJ. She is happy.”
“I hear a different sound. What is that?”
“It is the voice of your dad, DJ.”
“He sounds strong,” DJ said.
“Yes,” answered God.
“Does he love me, too?”
“More than his own life,” God whispered.
“When do I get to see him, God?”
“Not for awhile, my son.”
“I’m not feeling so well, God.”
“I know my son, but soon you will fly.”
“I will fly?”
“Yes,” God smiled.
“Will my mother fly with me?”
“Someday,” God said.
“I think I’m ready,” DJ whispered.
“I know, my child.”
“Is it time to fly now, God?”
“Yes,” God said gently, and wiped his eyes.
“When will I see You, God?”
“Very soon, my son.”
“Is that my mother and dad?”
“Yes, DJ,” God said and pulled the child onto His lap.
“Why are they crying?”
“They cry for you, my child,” God answered as He wrapped His arms around the boy.
“Why do they cry for me?” DJ asked.
“Because they want to hold you in their arms, DJ”
“But instead, You hold me in Your arms, huh, God?”
“Yes, son,” God said.
“Why does that make them sad, God? I like it in Your arms!”
“They love you very much, DJ. It can make a mommy’s and daddy’s heart sad when they don’t get to hold their children – I know how it feels to watch my child die.”
“Have I died, God?”
“Just on earth, DJ.”
“I don’t feel dead. I feel very much alive! Watch how fast I can run!” DJ crawled down from God’s lap.
“Yes, DJ, you are fast,” God clapped.
“Now watch me fly!” DJ said as he soared high.
“You are amazing!” God laughed.
DJ settled back in the safety of God’s arms and said, “When will my parents fly, God?”
“Someday, my child.”
“Will we fly together?”
“Yes, DJ, my mark is on their foreheads.”
“Good,” DJ said. “Will you tell them I am safe and happy?”
“I will comfort them, my child.”
“Will they be happy again?”
“Yes, child. They will heal.”
“And someday we will all get to be with You, huh, God?”
“Yes, DJ. Someday,” God promised.
“I love you, God.” DJ said as he snuggled close to God.
“I love you too, son,” God said as he put His hand on DJ’s head.
“Take care of my parents until they fly!” DJ said.
“I promise,” God whispered.
I guess the best way to start off our birth story is to start from the beginning. Doug and I found out we were pregnant in March after only trying for a couple of months. I took the test while Doug wasn’t home. When I saw those 2 little lines, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had to look at the darn test 3 times and run out to get the test that shows you the word “pregnant” before I convinced myself that it was positive.
Doug wasn’t due to come home for a couple of hours so I hurried and wrapped a book up that I had bought months earlier when I was out. The book “So Now That You’re Going To Be A Dad” was a funny book with lots of little fun quotes and sayings in it. After what seemed like the longest wait of my life, Doug finally arrived home. I had planned to let him get in the door and get settled but as soon as he walked in I yelled out “I got something for you.” Now this isn’t unusual for us, we often get each other small gifts here and there so it didn’t alert him that anything was up. He opened the book and read it. He looked up at me and wasn’t quite sure exactly what it meant. I immediately started crying and yelled out “We’re pregnant!” Doug was shocked, he said several times, “Are you kidding me?” I laughed and showed him the test and we both started crying. He hugged me over and over and he quickly informed me that we needed to celebrate. We “celebrated” by going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Doug had a beer and I joyfully sipped on water. We reflected that night on our life and marriage and how excited we were for this next step. Tears of joy were abundant and little did I know we would be crying tears of sorrow and pain just 9 short months later.