It’s been 2 months since we had to say hello and goodbye to the sweetest boy we have ever met. It seems so long ago but yet feels like yesterday. The pain is still so raw and fresh. Some days I am completely hopeless, constantly seeing reminders of what we don’t have, pictures of newborns on Facebook, walking past the baby section in Target or hearing about someone else’s pregnancy. Then other days, I grow hopeful and those small things don’t sting so bad. When I wake up in the morning, I never can tell you what kind of day I will have. So I accept that one small comment, picture or thought could bring me to my knees.
I still struggle on a daily basis with this grief journey and how to navigate it. It’s a confusing thing. It’s dark, lonely, overwhelming and numbing. One thing I’m coming to grasp is that grief is so individual; this is the first time I have realized that. I have experienced grief several times in my life but never like this. I lost my mom unexpectedly when I was 24 around this time exactly 5 years ago. That journey was painful and also overwhelming but not in the same sense. This grief is soul shaking, so undeniably different. I have lost a part of me, a piece of my heart I know I will never get back, that feeling is indescribable. When DJ died, a piece of my soul, heart and mind died right along with him. I knew we had a long road ahead of us but I didn’t realize how profoundly we would feel DJ’s absence on a daily basis. It’s everywhere. The absent cries and giggles of a 2 month old child make our home silent. We are trying to come to terms with this but aren’t quite sure how. We are learning it’s a journey, a process that’s not as linear as everyone thinks.