3 months.

3 months…

3 months already, time is flying and the world is moving on. And we are moving on the best we know how. Our days are very different from most people’s I would imagine. Home from work, reflecting on our day, we are often brought to tears. Not every day…some days we are strong. Some days the tears don’t come as easily. But other days…those other days…they flow like a river. My grief is evolving…and changing. Not easier but different. I think of my little man every day. I wonder what we would be doing right now. I’m sure I would be a tired mamma ranting on facebook about the woes of breastfeeding.

Instead, I am a grieving mamma.

One who misses her baby every day, yearns to hold her baby in her arms, visiting his grave almost daily. Traipsing through the snow just to say hello and driving through the cemetery just for some comfort. I know Dougie is not there. His grave only a tomb for his perfect little body…but somehow it still brings me peace. Dougie’s soul is playing in heaven, sitting in the Lords lap, looking down on us. Our family’s littlest angel.

He, by far, is the lucky one…

photo 2

9 thoughts on “3 months.

  1. My heart aches with you. I often tell myself Emma is fine, I am the broken mess. Somehow it brings me comfort as well. As mothers at least we know our babies are safe and happy. I am glad that your comment on my blog this morning lead me to yours. Our stories seem to be similar. Hugs, mama.

    • I am so glad I am finding people to walk this journey with me. It is nice to know I am not alone. I think our stories are very similar Sarah…thankful I found your blog as well. xoxo

  2. Alex,
    My story is similar except I found out my baby had died in the womb and then I still had to go through the entire delivery process. While others were enjoying their newborns I was mourning mine. I was all alone at least that’s how I felt. My trust and faith in God and knowing that His Will will prevail. God knew that he had prepared me to handle that ordeal more than if he had lived. I found out later that my son had signs of spina bifida. My story has been an unknowing blessing to so many because this ordeal happens more so than people know. It’s not a high conversation piece. Your strength, faith, and love will carry you and your hubby to much greatness. Don’t feel guilty about having more children. You’ll never be able to replace your angel you’ll just be adding to his watch time over the family.

  3. Alex, this was beautifully written. I can’t even imagine the pain and heartache you go through every day. I know how excited you were to be pregnant. Little Dougie will always be in your heart, mind and soul. He will come to you on your darkest days to let you know the good Lord is taking care of him and you will see him in all the good that comes your way. Your family and friends may not fully know your pain, but we all walk this journey with you. You and Doug are never alone. Hugs to you my friend.

  4. Alex Darling,
    I think of you often. I think of your beautiful baby boy, and the blessings I see he has given you even with just a short time with you. And I think of the deep love you likely feel for him, and how bittersweet that is, and how difficult it is to realize everything we love on this earth, everything we are blessed with is truly just that-a blessing. It is not ours, it is not here forever, we cannot hold onto it and never let it go…all we can do is appreciate the moments, the memories, and the blessings moment by moment, day by day. I wish for you peace and comfort as you continue through the process of learning life again as the new you, because you are no longer the Alex you were before! And I look forward to reading about the blessings you will continue to have as life unfolds, and am encouraged by the fact that after life on earth we will be reunited with our babies and the wait will all be worth it! Xoxoxo thanks for sharing and blogging, truly is a blessing from you and Dougie to us all. ~Hails

  5. Thank you for writing Alex! It’s definitely an evolving grief… some days it seems like its getting worse… but others better. It’s like we’re trapped on a roller coaster that just keeps going round and round. Praying for you today!

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