We are 3 days away from Easter and to be honest, I have dreaded Easter for a couple weeks. Last Easter is when we told Doug’s family that we were expecting. I made Easter baskets for both my nieces and nephew and made them a special shirt to let them know that they would have a new cousin. It was pure joy that day. We were so excited for what was coming. We wanted a baby more than anyone. We thought at that time that this year’s Easter would be very different. But here we sit…3 days away from Easter and visiting our sweet boy’s grave to place a bunny on it. Certainly not something I would have ever anticipated.
I always loved Easter growing up. There were Easter egg hunts galore and plenty of Easter baskets coming my way. I looked forward to the day that I could do that with my child/children. I undoubtedly still look forward to that (if one day Doug and I are blessed with an earthly baby) but a part of all holidays will always be different now. Dougie will always be missed particularly on these special days. Even if we have 5 more children, we vow to never forget our first born precious son. We will celebrate him just like we will any of our kids.
As we stood over Dougie’s grave last night, we couldn’t help but to cry. All we could bring ourselves to say was “Happy Easter little buddy”. We placed a bunny and 2 Easter eggs at his head, I patted the ground and we left. Our hearts heavy, tears flowing, we were silent. Doug eventually took my hand, squeezed it tight and told me he loved me. And in that moment, that was all I needed to hear.