After every storm there is a rainbow, illuminating the clouds and bringing the color back into what was previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that babies born after a loss are often referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” Doug and I are humbled to share that we are pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. There are many days when we still feel like we are in the midst of the storm but are hopeful for what’s to come. We are dreaming of our precious rainbow baby who will hopefully make his/her appearance in the middle of October. Until then, please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you think could help, while we walk this scary path of pregnancy after loss.
Well, our journey to find the new normal after little Dougie has led us down a completely different path than we ever expected a few months ago. As Doug and I sit here…6 months out from Dougie’s birth/death, we find ourselves 4 months pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. It was definitely a shock when we found ourselves pregnant just 3 short months after we had Dougie. It’s a been a scary 4 months thus far and I anticipate that the anxiety will get even worse the further along we get but we are trying to embrace this pregnancy as best as we can.
We are taking things one day at a time and trying not to get too far ahead of ourselves. This path is unknown…much like the grief path was unknown when we were thrown into it 6 months ago. Nervousness, worry, anxiety, sheer terror and fear are normal parts of our day now. But there are also moments of hopefulness, like the many times we’ve heard that little heart going pitter patter inside my belly and like the first time that we got to see this little blueberry inside of me. The blissfulness of Dougie’s pregnancy is gone with this new baby. Every ache, every twinge, and every cramp my heart drops. Every appointment, we prepare ourselves for the worst. We aren’t actually thinking of a live baby yet…just trying to make it through each day and keeping a positive outlook! Our new doctor summed it up perfectly…we are allowed to be cautiously optimistic.
So with that said…we really are excited but we are also terrified at the same time. So please be gentle with this. This is a scary path we are on and need all the support we can get.