Our new journey…

After every storm there is a rainbow, illuminating the clouds and bringing the color back into what was previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that babies born after a loss are often referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” Doug and I are humbled to share that we are pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. There are many days when we still feel like we are in the midst of the storm but are hopeful for what’s to come. We are dreaming of our precious rainbow baby who will hopefully make his/her appearance in the middle of October. Until then, please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you think could help, while we walk this scary path of pregnancy after loss.


Well, our journey to find the new normal after little Dougie has led us down a completely different path than we ever expected a few months ago. As Doug and I sit here…6 months out from Dougie’s birth/death, we find ourselves 4 months pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. It was definitely a shock when we found ourselves pregnant just 3 short months after we had Dougie. It’s a been a scary 4 months thus far and I anticipate that the anxiety will get even worse the further along we get but we are trying to embrace this pregnancy as best as we can.

We are taking things one day at a time and trying not to get too far ahead of ourselves. This path is unknown…much like the grief path was unknown when we were thrown into it 6 months ago. Nervousness, worry, anxiety, sheer terror and fear are normal parts of our day now. But there are also moments of hopefulness, like the many times we’ve heard that little heart going pitter patter inside my belly and like the first time that we got to see this little blueberry inside of me. The blissfulness of Dougie’s pregnancy is gone with this new baby. Every ache, every twinge, and every cramp my heart drops. Every appointment, we prepare ourselves for the worst. We aren’t actually thinking of a live baby yet…just trying to make it through each day and keeping a positive outlook! Our new doctor summed it up perfectly…we are allowed to be cautiously optimistic.

So with that said…we really are excited but we are also terrified at the same time. So please be gentle with this. This is a scary path we are on and need all the support we can get.

6 month Angelversary

20140521-104326-38606946.jpg

What a perfect gift to receive on Dougie’s 6 month Angelversary. A friend gave this to me with his name engraved on one of the chimes. Dougie’s nursery was a travel theme and the very first thing I bought for him was a big hot air balloon to hang from the ceiling.

209062_14

This is how his nursery still sits today!

We miss you Dougie!!

lives_changed_forever-627618

 

 

I still mother my son.

The harsh reality has really hit me this week. My son truly is dead. He’s not coming back. I will never know his smile, his personality, hear his sweet giggles, or listen to him tell me he loves me. I will not get to “mother” my son in the same sense that most of you will. But I will still mother my son.

I go to his grave, sit beside him and brush off the leaves. I am mothering my son.

I pray to him at night, tell him stories and talk to him. I am mothering my son.

I hang his picture proudly in our living room. I am mothering my son.

I walk in his memory, raise money for research in hopes that no other family has to endure the loss we have. I am mothering my son.

I will not let people forget about our sweet boy, I say his name often and talk about our experience. I am not afraid of what people might think or say behind my back. It might be weird to some people, some people might be thinking “Get over it already” and most people just don’t understand. I will never “get over it”. I will never forget him. He will always be our firstborn son. And I will continue to be his mother for the rest of my life.

 

Even though my son is not here on this earth…

I am still a mother.