One year…I can’t believe it’s been a whole year.

One year ago today we said hello and goodbye to the sweetest boy. Our lives were forever changed that day. One year later, I sit here staring at another miracle and can’t believe that I am lucky enough to be a momma to an angel as well as my earthly little man. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Dougie and wish that I could go back and change things. However, I am learning to be grateful for what the last year has brought…Doug and I have grown so much stronger bc of Dougie, the support from friends and family have been amazing and of course we have this new sweet baby boy who reminds me daily how special it is to be a mom.

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In the early days of my grief I would listen to music to help me. I would listen to one song called “Beauty from Pain” by Superchick. I would listen to this song and wonder when I would ever see beauty again. I eventually started to be hopeful that I would someday. One year later, I am finally seeing some beauty. I beautiful baby boy that is Dougie’s little brother. Declan is not only our rainbow baby but he has given us the chance to hope again. We will never forget Dougie and we will raise Declan to know his older brother. After all, Dougie is as big of a part of our story as Declan is and we will not forget that.

Dougie, we love you, Happy first Birthday in Heaven sweet baby boy!

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Dougie is all around us. We think about him everyday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 month angelversary

8 month angelversary

Yesterday we returned home from spending a week with our family at the beach on Lake Michigan. We had a great time, we were able to relax, lay on the beach, play a few games, spend time with everyone and play with our nieces and nephew which was a blast. However, when we returned home, the reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Little Dougie was supposed to be with us on that trip. There was supposed to be one more little grandkid pestering Grandpa for lap time, one more baby crawling around the house amidst the other kids play time, one more baby crawling through the sand darting for the water. We were supposed to have OUR little baby with us to enjoy his first of many family vacations.

This time last year when planning this vacation, emails shot back and forth about locations, houses, bedrooms etc and everything in between. In one email, my sister-in-law wrote happily that she couldn’t wait for family vacation next year with a new little one in the mix. The reality that he is not here is a sobering one.

We went to visit Dougie on our way back into town. I sat at his grave and cried. I told him we missed him and we all wished he was here.

I was asked the other day if I ever wake up and think “Did this really happen to us, did we really lose our baby?” The response was immediate…

“Everyday”

 

made me a mom

7 months

Dear sweet baby boy,

It’s been 7 months now since we held you. We miss you terribly but things are getting better. I don’t visit you as often. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t feel the need to. I talk to you every day…can you hear me? Your dad and I still visit you weekly. Our visits are much lighter lately, sometimes we can even make it out of the cemetery without shedding a tear. We noticed that you gained a beautiful angel friend last month placed right next to you. Were you there to greet them and show them around? We sure hope so.

Your dad and I talk to you all the time. We imagine you talking to us but we haven’t had any signs in a while. Can you visit soon? We added a blue footprint pinwheel to your grave. Now you have 2 pinwheels. Is that cliché? But even if it is…we love them! We went to visit you a couple weeks ago on a very windy day. All the pinwheels in the cemetery were blowing about. As soon as we pulled up to your grave, parked and got out of the car, both of your pinwheels stood still. I know that was you! Your dad and I looked at each other and laughed. Without saying a word, we both knew that right in that moment you were there. That’s been one of the only times I’ve actually felt you. I want that again soon, so can you please work on this? 🙂

Your dad and I love you so much, we miss you more than you can imagine and would give anything to know you today. But for now, we will trust that you are the lucky one waiting for us. We hope you are listening to all the fun stuff we tell you and more importantly know how much we love you and wish that you were here.

We love you infinity times baby boy,

❤ your mom and dad.

Born to fly

Born to fly – An Infant’s Journey to God by Cindy Claussen

Such Beautiful writing by Cindy Claussen after she gave birth to her stillborn son in 1983.

I just changed the name to relate to DJ. So touching.

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A miracle has happened. A life has begun.

“Are you there, God?” 

“Yes, I am here, DJ,” the Lord whispered.

“Where am I?”

“You are in the womb of your mother,” God smiled.

“Oh. What is that sound?” DJ asked.

“It is the voice of your mother, DJ. She is singing to you.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“Yes. She loves you very much,” God said.

“I feel warmth on my back,” DJ whispered.

“Yes, she is rubbing her stomach, caressing you the best she can right now. She is speaking to me, DJ. She is asking me to care of you.”

“I will kick her back, so she knows I love her, too,” DJ said excitedly.

God smiled.

“Now what is she saying, God?”

“Your mother is laughing, DJ.”

“She is happy, isn’t she God?”

“Yes, DJ. She is happy.”

“I hear a different sound. What is that?”

“It is the voice of your dad, DJ.”

“He sounds strong,” DJ said.

“Yes,” answered God.

“Does he love me, too?”

“More than his own life,” God whispered.

“When do I get to see him, God?”

“Not for awhile, my son.”

“I’m not feeling so well, God.”

“I know my son, but soon you will fly.”

“I will fly?”

“Yes,” God smiled.

“Will my mother fly with me?”

“Someday,” God said.

“I think I’m ready,” DJ whispered.

“I know, my child.”

“Is it time to fly now, God?”

“Yes,” God said gently, and wiped his eyes.

“When will I see You, God?”

“Very soon, my son.”

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“Is that my mother and dad?”

“Yes, DJ,” God said and pulled the child onto His lap.

“Why are they crying?”

“They cry for you, my child,” God answered as He wrapped His arms around the boy.

“Why do they cry for me?” DJ asked.

“Because they want to hold you in their arms, DJ”

“But instead, You hold me in Your arms, huh, God?”

“Yes, son,” God said.

“Why does that make them sad, God? I like it in Your arms!”

“They love you very much, DJ. It can make a mommy’s and daddy’s heart sad when they don’t get to hold their children – I know how it feels to watch my child die.”

“Have I died, God?”

“Just on earth, DJ.”

“I don’t feel dead. I feel very much alive! Watch how fast I can run!” DJ crawled down from God’s lap.

“Yes, DJ, you are fast,” God clapped.

“Now watch me fly!” DJ said as he soared high.

“You are amazing!” God laughed.

DJ settled back in the safety of God’s arms and said, “When will my parents fly, God?”

“Someday, my child.”

“Will we fly together?”

“Yes, DJ, my mark is on their foreheads.”

“Good,” DJ said. “Will you tell them I am safe and happy?”

“I will comfort them, my child.”

“Will they be happy again?”

“Yes, child. They will heal.”

“And someday we will all get to be with You, huh, God?”

“Yes, DJ. Someday,” God promised.

“I love you, God.” DJ said as he snuggled close to God.

“I love you too, son,” God said as he put His hand on DJ’s head.

“Take care of my parents until they fly!” DJ said.

“I promise,” God whispered.