10 months and a few pennies from Heaven

Dougie would be 10 months old today. I found myself daydreaming the other day about what I would be doing if he would have lived. Not sure what that would have looked like and I don’t let myself think about that too regularly. It often makes me too sad. But there are some days when I allow myself to. Days when I go visit Dougie’s grave and all I can think about is what could have been. I used to wonder if that will go away with time but I don’t think that it will. Dougie will always be on our minds and in our hearts…no matter what.

I sit here, almost 9 months pregnant with Dougie’s sweet babybrother, writing, thinking about Dougie while feeling this little boy kick and move about. This baby boy is truly a miracle and we are getting so anxious as to what God has in store for us with this journey. As Doug and I have learned, it’s not always our ideal plan but we are trying to trust that this time it will be different. We will bring this baby boy home happy and healthy.
I have been confident lately that Dougie has been visiting and watching over us as we navigate this pregnancy as well as moving into our new home. I have a friend who’s mother passed away a few years ago and ever since she passed away, she visits in the form of pennies. I know, it sounds crazy but it’s totally true. Well I am pretty confident that Dougie took a lesson from Momma Pesce on this one because for the last month, I have found pennies EVERYWHERE. And I’m not talking just on the street randomly. For 4 days straight, I found pennies strategically placed throughout our new home. And get this…one of them was placed on the windowsill of what will soon be this baby boy’s nursery. *chills* This is no joke…for all you skeptics…they really do visit us from the other side! You just have to figure out how they are visiting. I wonder if this is how Dougie will continue to visit?


Our new journey…

After every storm there is a rainbow, illuminating the clouds and bringing the color back into what was previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that babies born after a loss are often referred to as “Rainbow Babies.” Doug and I are humbled to share that we are pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. There are many days when we still feel like we are in the midst of the storm but are hopeful for what’s to come. We are dreaming of our precious rainbow baby who will hopefully make his/her appearance in the middle of October. Until then, please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you think could help, while we walk this scary path of pregnancy after loss.

Well, our journey to find the new normal after little Dougie has led us down a completely different path than we ever expected a few months ago. As Doug and I sit here…6 months out from Dougie’s birth/death, we find ourselves 4 months pregnant with what we hope will be our rainbow baby. It was definitely a shock when we found ourselves pregnant just 3 short months after we had Dougie. It’s a been a scary 4 months thus far and I anticipate that the anxiety will get even worse the further along we get but we are trying to embrace this pregnancy as best as we can.

We are taking things one day at a time and trying not to get too far ahead of ourselves. This path is unknown…much like the grief path was unknown when we were thrown into it 6 months ago. Nervousness, worry, anxiety, sheer terror and fear are normal parts of our day now. But there are also moments of hopefulness, like the many times we’ve heard that little heart going pitter patter inside my belly and like the first time that we got to see this little blueberry inside of me. The blissfulness of Dougie’s pregnancy is gone with this new baby. Every ache, every twinge, and every cramp my heart drops. Every appointment, we prepare ourselves for the worst. We aren’t actually thinking of a live baby yet…just trying to make it through each day and keeping a positive outlook! Our new doctor summed it up perfectly…we are allowed to be cautiously optimistic.

So with that said…we really are excited but we are also terrified at the same time. So please be gentle with this. This is a scary path we are on and need all the support we can get.