One year…I can’t believe it’s been a whole year.

One year ago today we said hello and goodbye to the sweetest boy. Our lives were forever changed that day. One year later, I sit here staring at another miracle and can’t believe that I am lucky enough to be a momma to an angel as well as my earthly little man. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Dougie and wish that I could go back and change things. However, I am learning to be grateful for what the last year has brought…Doug and I have grown so much stronger bc of Dougie, the support from friends and family have been amazing and of course we have this new sweet baby boy who reminds me daily how special it is to be a mom.

IMG_3462

In the early days of my grief I would listen to music to help me. I would listen to one song called “Beauty from Pain” by Superchick. I would listen to this song and wonder when I would ever see beauty again. I eventually started to be hopeful that I would someday. One year later, I am finally seeing some beauty. I beautiful baby boy that is Dougie’s little brother. Declan is not only our rainbow baby but he has given us the chance to hope again. We will never forget Dougie and we will raise Declan to know his older brother. After all, Dougie is as big of a part of our story as Declan is and we will not forget that.

Dougie, we love you, Happy first Birthday in Heaven sweet baby boy!

IMG_3461

Dougie is all around us. We think about him everyday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 months and a few pennies from Heaven

Dougie would be 10 months old today. I found myself daydreaming the other day about what I would be doing if he would have lived. Not sure what that would have looked like and I don’t let myself think about that too regularly. It often makes me too sad. But there are some days when I allow myself to. Days when I go visit Dougie’s grave and all I can think about is what could have been. I used to wonder if that will go away with time but I don’t think that it will. Dougie will always be on our minds and in our hearts…no matter what.

I sit here, almost 9 months pregnant with Dougie’s sweet babybrother, writing, thinking about Dougie while feeling this little boy kick and move about. This baby boy is truly a miracle and we are getting so anxious as to what God has in store for us with this journey. As Doug and I have learned, it’s not always our ideal plan but we are trying to trust that this time it will be different. We will bring this baby boy home happy and healthy.
I have been confident lately that Dougie has been visiting and watching over us as we navigate this pregnancy as well as moving into our new home. I have a friend who’s mother passed away a few years ago and ever since she passed away, she visits in the form of pennies. I know, it sounds crazy but it’s totally true. Well I am pretty confident that Dougie took a lesson from Momma Pesce on this one because for the last month, I have found pennies EVERYWHERE. And I’m not talking just on the street randomly. For 4 days straight, I found pennies strategically placed throughout our new home. And get this…one of them was placed on the windowsill of what will soon be this baby boy’s nursery. *chills* This is no joke…for all you skeptics…they really do visit us from the other side! You just have to figure out how they are visiting. I wonder if this is how Dougie will continue to visit?

IMG_3080

9 months ago…

9 months ago we were changed forever.

Touched by the sweetest little boy who didn’t get to take a breath.

Instead he was greeted in heaven with open arms.

9 months later we are still grieving parents. Grieving but hopeful for what’s to come. We are confident he is around…all around us. We know he hears us and watches over us.

Our own little guardian angel…

Stillbirth, miscarriage, infant loss comforting words for broken hearts

 

We love you little Dougie!!

8 month angelversary

8 month angelversary

Yesterday we returned home from spending a week with our family at the beach on Lake Michigan. We had a great time, we were able to relax, lay on the beach, play a few games, spend time with everyone and play with our nieces and nephew which was a blast. However, when we returned home, the reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Little Dougie was supposed to be with us on that trip. There was supposed to be one more little grandkid pestering Grandpa for lap time, one more baby crawling around the house amidst the other kids play time, one more baby crawling through the sand darting for the water. We were supposed to have OUR little baby with us to enjoy his first of many family vacations.

This time last year when planning this vacation, emails shot back and forth about locations, houses, bedrooms etc and everything in between. In one email, my sister-in-law wrote happily that she couldn’t wait for family vacation next year with a new little one in the mix. The reality that he is not here is a sobering one.

We went to visit Dougie on our way back into town. I sat at his grave and cried. I told him we missed him and we all wished he was here.

I was asked the other day if I ever wake up and think “Did this really happen to us, did we really lose our baby?” The response was immediate…

“Everyday”

 

made me a mom

6 month Angelversary

20140521-104326-38606946.jpg

What a perfect gift to receive on Dougie’s 6 month Angelversary. A friend gave this to me with his name engraved on one of the chimes. Dougie’s nursery was a travel theme and the very first thing I bought for him was a big hot air balloon to hang from the ceiling.

209062_14

This is how his nursery still sits today!

We miss you Dougie!!

lives_changed_forever-627618